There are many reasons why we choose to have sex. Sure, it’s fun, it’s enjoyable, it feels good, and in the case of many it’s an actual physical need. However, there’s often a lot more going on behind our motivation in whether or not we want to be sexually intimate with a particular person, such as a spouse.
Romantic relationships (as most of us know) are not all about sex. There are many other needs and expectations that we want to have met from our partners, and most of them are non-physical. Most of the time when a couple isn’t having regular, fulfilling sex, it’s usually because one or both of them aren’t feeling emotionally connected with their mate.
This is even true for men, who are stereotypically looked at as non-emotional, base-driven sex machines.
Men may not be consciously aware of their own emotional state, but women do a lot that touches their men on a very deep emotional level, and which definitely impacts their desire to be sexual with someone. Here are the top 3.5 reasons, and what you can do about them.
1. Criticism, disrespecting, or nagging – The number one thing that women do to their men to turn them off is criticize them. Men value feeling respect, praise and admiration more than feeling love from their wives, and criticism and nagging are just another way of telling a man’s subconscious that he’s somehow subpar, not good enough, or (worse) a failure. Unfortunately many women don’t even realize when they’re being critical or disrespectful to their men, and discovering a trend you’re not aware of is definitely difficult.
One way to uncover your hidden criticiser is to pay close attention to how he reacts when you say things to or about him, especially in front of other people. If he has any kind of negative reaction, odds are he’s feeling criticised or disrespected by you. He may or may not be able to articulate his feelings, so don’t rely on him to tell you; pay attention to his unspoken signals. Whenever you catch yourself criticizing him, apologize and take a moment to find something you genuinely love, admire, and appreciate him for.
2. Crowding – Men need space. Most men have a Man Cave – a place that they can go to get away from the busy-ness and chaos of the world and recharge. Even extroverted men have a Man Cave, and it’s role in a man’s overall personal health cannot be overrated. Women who insist on spending every waking moment in the presence of their guys do the couple a disservice by not allowing their men the time and space they need to process the tumult of their world.
Encourage and enable your guy to take his time alone, or to have time with his other guy friends at the bar, shooting pool, watching sports, pursuing a hobby, etc. This time is absolutely critical for him, so help him have it. He’ll notice, and will appreciate you more for it. When he feels supported by you, he’ll be much more open to being intimate with you.
3. Exclusion when it counts – Few things make a man feel worse than feeling like he isn’t in control of his own life. When a woman begins to make decisions or do things that directly affect him in a way that he doesn’t appreciate, it puts him in a place of feeling like he has lost control over his personal life, and most men will go to great lengths to regain that feeling of control and influence.
Be sure, when you’re planning something that might affect him, to get his input on what his preferences are. And unless you want to risk your inquiries to backfire, be sure to ask him when he’s able to focus on you and what you’re proposing.
3.5 No physical appeal – Most women don’t realize that men are very easily stimulated by what they see. Women often take extra special care of their looks during the dating years, but after marriage, and kids, many women either cut back or stop focusing entirely on their looks. This is one of the most subtle yet devastating things a woman can do to her sex life with her husband. If he’s not turned on by what he sees, he’ll start looking elsewhere.
This doesn’t mean that all women need to be supermodels – far from it! What it does mean though is that a woman who wants to keep her guy interested in sex needs to work on keeping him interested in her. Men appreciate a woman who takes the time to work out, look nice, and go that extra little mile just for him. It makes him feel special, like you care enough about him to put effort into pleasing him and appealing to him.
Remember, if a person isn’t feeling safe with you emotionally, they aren’t going to want to open up with you physically. If you want your sex life to get back to the way it used to be (or better) you need to restore that feeling of safety and trust, and create a deeper connection first.